October 22

Last Thanksgiving I had an accident which resulted in two broken bones in my right arm, a fractured right pelvis and a big split on my right hip.  I was scared and in pain.   I did not know what I was going to do.  I realized pretty quickly that surgery was imminent and my normal activities were halted.  I was so very scared.  I did not know what to do  as I was not in any way in control of my life at all.  I was in a wheelchair and depended on some one to bathe and dress me.  The simplest of tasks such as responding to a text were huge.  I could not cut up my food.  I could not drive or get where I wanted to go without assistance.

I was so afraid.  I did not know how I was going to survive until the next day.  So I stopped, and I prayed a lot.  I  asked God to give me hope and peace.  I asked him to take away the spirit of fear that invaded my thoughts so very often. I asked him to get me through the next 24 hours without an anxiety attack. 

And guess what……..God provided.  He sent friends to feed and help Ray and I.  He gave my partner, Mike an extra dose of strength so he could take care of both of us for a while.  He gave Kim insight into how to deal with me every day so I would not panic and try to overdo it too soon.  He gave my Mother peace so she would not feel like she had rush to my side to take care of me. 

I have never been so dependent on people in my whole life.  Six weeks in a wheelchair and on a platform walker were pretty sobering.  I realized that I am not always in charge of my life and everyone else’s.  I learned even more that depending on God is necessary in the good and the bad times.  If I had not been so mindful of God’s ability to get me through this, I would have drowned in fear and anxiety.

In looking back, God provided everything we needed including a peace of mind.  I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 21

On June 4, 2011, I got THE call.  It was my Momma telling me my Daddy had died.  I was scared.  How was I going to do life without him.  I called Carolyn and told her.  I called Susan and told her.  We started making plans to get home.  But I was scared.  Burying a parent was uncharted territory for me.

 

I was scared because Jake was in the middle of the sea somewhere circumnavigating Barinoff Island in Alaska without a phone.  I called Kenny but he was unable to reach him.  I finally had Carolyn use her contacts to contact someone in the Coast Guard.  They found his boat and had him call home.  I gave him the news on a satellite phone.  He found a nearby island and a guy with a float plane who got him to Ketchikan and from there to Seattle.  I could get him home from Seattle.  God had this all under control.

I was scared about how we were going to make it without Daddy.  How was Mom going to make it?  What about our grandkids?  Their Granddaddy was gone.  They no longer had a grandfather – either of them.  Daddy was my sounding board for so many things and who would that be in the future?  Fear crept in during those days.

But I leaned on God.  It was the only way I got through that loss.  There is no way to describe the void left in your heart when you lose that first parent.  What would I do moving forward?  Everything was going to be different now.  But as I leaned on God for strength, I came to realize that all of this was in God’s plan and was his perfect timing.  When you are afraid, you should lean on God and ask him for power and love.  He promises a sound mind, but we can’t think clearly if we are clouded with fear.  Leaning on God and not on our power which often results in fear is a much better choice for us.

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 20

I had been married for nearly 15 years when my husband asked for a divorce. I was scared.  I had closed my law practice down, refinanced our home for 10 years and just bought a brand new top of the line Tahoe.  I had no job, no money, and an 11 year old to raise.  How was I going to make it?

First I had to tell my parents. I was scared that they would be mad and disappointed that I had failed at marriage.  I went to see Papa and ask him what to do.  He said to tell my parents and that they would stand by me.  He said he would get in touch with Susan, and she would help me figure out a plan.  He was right.  My parents were not mad or even disappointed. They were supportive. 

Susan told me not to be scared.  She helped me come up with a plan.  I began to realize that fear was not going to be an emotion that served me well.  I filed for divorce with no job, an 11 year old son, and no idea what being single at my age would look like.  But I prayed – a lot.  I asked God to help me find a job and just 10 days later, I was an associate at a big law firm.  I could support myself. 

I was scared about getting a divorce.  I did not want to fight or argue, but I wanted it to be over.  I was hurt that it was ending, but scared of how it would end.  It ended fine.  We realized that we were not supposed to be married to each other but did have responsibilities to Jake.  It was probably the easiest divorce ever.  We sat down and decided how to divide things, how to raise Jake and how to move forward.  Don’t get me wrong, there were some tense moments along the way and for years to come, but God has a way of healing hearts and moving people on with their lives.

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 19

In 1987, I became pregnant with the biggest blessing of my life, Jacob Wilson Barfield.  We had trouble from the beginning as I began to spot and the fear was another miscarriage.  Joan Simpson assured me just days before she died when she gave me a book of baby names and a baby blanket that she had it on good authority that the Good Lord was going to take care of me and my baby!

Later in the pregnancy I got sick every single day at 10 p.m. at night.  That is after I ate way too much food during the day.  I had to go home and live with my Mother for the last three months of my pregnancy while Kenny was in dental school as I needed to be near my doctor in case of any more trouble.

The baby was not due until the end of November but in early November, Tom got a new sonogram machine.  Paula and I decided to see if we could figure out if it was a boy or a girl while Tom was at the hospital on a Friday afternoon.  He caught us!  He then did a look around and saw that Jake’s cord was wrapped around his neck. He knew this was not good and had me come back to the office on Monday after checking with me all weekend long.  On Monday, he decided to induce labor on Tuesday morning.  It was clear to him there was a problem, and I was just too scared of becoming a parent to realize the severity of the situation.

As we did that final push and Jake was born, everyone in the room gasped as they realized when he was born that he had a true knot in his cord.  Tom told me that this baby should have been still-born, but God was looking out for him the whole time.  I was so scared at how close I came to losing this precious child. I realized right there that I needed to trust in God to protect him everyday of his life. 

I can’t tell you how many days and nights I have prayed for God to place a hedge of protection over him to protect and guide him.  I have prayed that God would send the right woman to be his mate (and God did so answer that prayer in our sweet Haley).  I have prayed that God would bless him with favor in his life with his jobs, his peace, his desires, and his service.  I pray for the grandchildren that are not yet born that Jake and Haley will be the parents who let God shine through them.

It’s funny that the initial fear the moment of his birth has propelled me to pray constantly for my son.  But that is what fear is supposed to do?  It is to remind us to lean on God and not try to do it on our own.  I am thankful that Jake is a child of God, and everyday I see evidence of God’s hand in his life.

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 18

In January of 2013, I was an equity partner in a pretty big law firm.  I began to suspect that our firm was in financial trouble when I began asking questions and not getting consistent answers.  I got scared.  What was I going to do?  I had worked for this firm for nearly 15 years.  It was pretty scary to think about how I was going to support my family, take care of my lawyers and staff, and serve my clients.  As the months wore on, I knew that there were going to be some major changes ahead, but I had no idea what was going to happen. 

Little did I know that God had all of this under control.  God orchestrated a chance meeting with an old partner, Mike Leasor.  Discussions revealed that we were both unhappy with our current situations and maybe it was time to start something together.  We knew it would take time, so we targeted January 1, 2014 as a starting date.  As we begin to think about opening a business, it became evident that we would need a line of credit at a bank, a place to lease and to secure equipment, staff, and clients.  I was a bit overwhelmed as my best friend had just lost her husband, I was a school lawyer and not really a businessperson, and stepping out on your own is scary.

After a few inquiries, Mike and I were told that without a formal business entity, we could not even talk to anyone about a lease, a line of credit or purchasing equipment. So, we went to a business lawyer and set up a corporation knowing we had a lot of decisions to make in the next six months.

The following Monday, at our shareholder meeting at my current firm, I realized that the firm could not survive past July or maybe August at the latest.  If we could not make payroll in July, we would lose some of the best lawyers around as well as the most competent staff.  They could figure it out and see the handwriting on the wall.  I called Mike and told him that we had three weeks to put a law firm together.  Talk about scared, I was stepping out and asking two other lawyers as well as three staff members to step out on faith with me. We was about to be responsible for taking care of a whole lot of people.

So I called my partner and said we have three weeks.  Mike told me we didn’t have an office or any equipment.  I told him to figure it out.  If we had to open up at his kitchen table, so be it.  The joke still is around my office that who knew you could put an office together in three weeks.  Mike and I prayed a lot during those three weeks.  On our knees kinda prayed.  It was lean on God or fear.  We chose God because He was our best bet.

We moved into an office on July 1 that was not complete.  No flooring, no bathroom and no certificate of occupancy.  But we prayed and God provided.  Eventually they put the flooring in around us, finished our bathroom so we did not have to go across the street to the State Farm office, and we got that certificate of occupancy.

Our team that came with us was just as prayerful as we were as they were literally leaping out in faith on two unknowns, Leasor and Crass!  But here we are six  and a half years later, and God has blessed us with a team of eight lawyers and three staff members.  Our office has expanded into this cool old house in downtown Mansfield with a kitchen and homey feel.  We are co-workers, but we are family.  Our kids have graduated from high school, college, gotten married, had children and began full time jobs!  Mike and I still marvel at the blessings God has bestowed upon us each year when we get to hand out bonuses to some pretty amazing folks!  Our LC family was born not out of fear but a spirit of power and of love and of sound mind. 

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God

October 17

The year after my Daddy died, I went to Shreveport to hang out with the Cashmere Mafia aka Yum Yum’s in Shreveport.  I called my sister and told her I was coming by to take her to get a diet coke before I met the girls.  She said that was great.  As soon as I got in the car, I knew something was wrong.  She told me she had been diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  I was immediately gripped with fear.  I knew nothing about this disease. Was it terminal?  Was it genetic?  Did we all need to get tested?  How did it happen?  Could she be cured? 

Fear sank in.  How did this happen to my precious baby sister?  She was smart and beautiful.  She was full of life and so very young!! She had just turned 45 years old.  What did this mean for her child?  Her husband?  Her Mother?  What were we going to do?  I needed to come up with a plan and answers.  (Note the word “I”).  That word “I” is fear talking.  God already had a plan, and “I” just did not realized it. 

Carolyn was married to Mark.  Mark is the best caregiver ever.  He is the head of Poison Control in Louisiana so they had access to the best medical care around.  She had just started a new job where she worked M-F from 8-5 compounding drugs and not in a pharmacy like CVS or Walgreens where every sick person in town came in to get their meds.  She had good insurance to pay for treatment.  She had a PhD in pharmacology so she can make good decisions as to her treatment and plan for the future.  They were living in Shreveport, so it was easier for my Mother to get to her if Mark needed help.

I researched.  I prayed.  I tried to be the strong one for everyone.  Eventually, I told her that we would just not be scared and deal with it one day at a time.  We would ……Let go, and Let God!  That is what we did.  It’s been a scary battle at times over the last seven years.  I am thankful my Dad has not seen what this debilitating disease has done to my little sister.  She is a woman of faith as there is no way she could have survived these last couple of years without her faith in Christ. 

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 16

When I was 14, we spent the night at Carole Torian’s house.  All the girls were there for Carole’s birthday slumber party.  Mr. and Mrs. T had gone to bed and it was nearing midnight.  All the girls were sitting around the kitchen table eating chips and dips and drinking soda pop, when Dana screamed.  We all looked out the window and there were faces in the window.  I was SCARED.  I thought we were going to be killed in a robbery.  (That is where the mind of a 14 year old goes).  Then we realized it was Jeff, Chip, Billy, Johnny, Dennis, Gary and Chuck. 

But for a while I was scared.  That spirit of fear gripped me, and my mind went to some pretty scary places.  That is what fear does.  It makes you lose your sense of power (standing behind God is pretty powerful) and you lose that sound mind he describes in 2 Timothy 1:7.  You begin to hallucinate and think the worst and get totally irrational.  You are unable to make good choices because you are gripped by fear.

In retrospect, we lived in New Boston Texas which was probably one of the safest communities around.  The adults were not far away in their bedroom and probably heard us.  When we realized who was out there, we snuck out one or two at a time to “scold” the boys for scaring us.  We were locked inside a house but chose to open the door.  The phone was less than 10 feet and we all knew the number to the police station was 2771.

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

October 15

When I was 11 years old, my father had his first major heart attack.  Carolyn and I rode the bus every day to the high school and stood outside of Mother’s room until the bell rang.  On that day in March of 1974, Helen Rolf met us and took us to the special ed office where we sat with her and Joan Simpson.  They explained that Daddy was very sick and Momma was with him at the hospital.  Helen was to carry us home where my Grannie Lester was waiting to stay with us until my Momma could come home and give us a report. 

She did later that afternoon.  I remember asking her if Daddy was going to die.  She said I don’t know.  He could and we need to be prepared for that if it happens.  I later learned that it was really touch and go for the next 7 days as my Daddy had continual attacks one after the other.  Our friends in town took turns sitting with my Momma at the hospital while we continued our daily routines of school and home with my Grannie there with us. 

It was finally decided that Daddy would go to Houston to see a doctor that Neil Watkins got him into at St. Luke’s.  He had to be driven to Houston instead of flown in an ambulance, and there were fears that he would die along the way.  I was scared that I would lose my Daddy and I was only 11 years old.  Carolyn was only 7 years old at the time.  But I was scared.  Scared of the fact that Momma didn’t lie to us and tell it was all going to be ok when she didn’t know if it was.  Scared of the fact that I had never had anyone close to me die before and didn’t really want to experience it at age 11.  And scared of the fact that I did understand how serious it was and had no idea how my Momma was going to fix this mess. 

The thing I look back on now is that fear is something we lean on when we forget to lean on God.  I now know that  God had this the whole time.  He had an amazing plan and put some pretty awesome people in our lives. Hubert and Joan checked in on Grannie every day as she was taking care of us.  Hubert stayed by Momma’s side at the hospital as did a number of other friends who took turns and shifts staying there.  Neil Watkins got us in with Dr. John Hall, a world class cardiologist who had Dr. Denton Cooley do open heart surgery on my Daddy.    Again, just evidence that God had this the whole time.

I’ll close by saying this every time I end a post………….Let go, and Let God!  Don’t let fear in your life.  Use fear as a means to lean on God.

Today is October 14, 2019 an the month is nearly over.  Traditionally, Oct 15 is the end of my birthday Season and Oct 16 marks the beginning of my little sister’s.  Hers is Oct 25 and mine is Oct 2 so I celebrate from Oct 1-15 and she gets Oct 16-31.  Then we hit November 1 and start celebrating Jake’s.  October 31 is Halloween and it is supposed to be the scariest day of the year.  So this year I thought I would take from October 15^th to October 31^st and tell you about the scariest times of my life. 

The interesting part about all of this is that it was scary for me but then I realized that God had my back and I really had no reason to be scared at all.  Susan taught her kids a very specific verse their whole life…..2 Timothy 1:7 which says “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love and of sound mind.  So use your love and sound mind along with the power of Jesus to over fear."

I hope you enjoy my stories and get a blessing along the way.  In November I plan to detail a blessing in my life each day of my blog.